My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
