I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
