As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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