i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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