when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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