i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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