You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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