Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
