i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dicks are not precious.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
