Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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