He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have already put on my inside pants.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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