Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Randomize
