You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Randomize