I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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