Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
