totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
