My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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