i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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