Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
so much tequila, so little girl.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
