I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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