a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
