when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
