People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
