Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
