the condom got lost in my hair
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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