There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I touched a dick in church today
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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