Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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