tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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