uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
