His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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