woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
