After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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