I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
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