Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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