I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
