I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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