peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
