I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My ass is underappreciated
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
