I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
