there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's shark week go big or go home
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
