Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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