1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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