last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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