i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
