just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
