My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Pants are for mortals
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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