I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
