I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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