i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
