Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
