I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
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He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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