dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
