im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
