Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think your dad took our porno
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
