My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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