I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
