some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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